Three Great Reminders For Parents During Challenging Times
Editors Note: Soccer Buddies Coach Laura wrote this piece during quarantine and it still speaks to what parents are experiencing today with new virtual learning programs at the start of this school year. We hope you enjoy!
Three Great Reminders For Parents During These Unprecedented Times
By: Laura Shade
Edits By: Kate Ford
As a parent of young kids, we all know that each day can be exhausting, emotional, and rewarding all in the exact same moment. We have many roles to fill from being our children’s chef to nurse and the millions of other things in between. Two months ago, I would have found myself writing this during “normal” times and would aim to provide parents with fun ideas for activities or soccer drills at home. Instead, I find myself writing this during a global pandemic and my goal is to remind all parents that you are doing some amazing work inside the walls of your home right now. I also want to say - Congratulations! You have survived two months of being given a very big and unexpected role (for most, not all). You may find yourself still going strong through this or you may find your spirits and patience running low. I’m here today as a fellow mom, a Soccer Buddies mom, who wants nothing more than to help others come out of these strange times secure in the knowledge that this time at home was beneficial. Right now, quarantine seems mundane and like it may never end but I encourage you to continue reading to see how you can take advantage of this unique opportunity to stay at home.
To give you a little of information about myself, my name is Laura Shade and I am a wife and mother of two young boys, ages four and two. They both LOVE attending Soccer Buddies classes as much as I love going to coach Soccer Buddies! I played soccer my whole youth and still enjoy the mental and physical benefits we get from moving our bodies on a regular basis. I graduated from West Virginia University (Go Mountaineers!) and have a Master’s degree in Special Education. I taught students with a variety of disabilities (mild to severe) for 9 years before becoming a stay at home mother and Soccer Buddies coach. While I was a teacher, I did not realize how much of what I was learning at work would be applicable on the road of parenting. Parenting is no joke. It is amazing and one of the hardest jobs we will ever have. Here are some of the tools I learned while teaching that I have carried over into parenting as well.
The first tool I continue to apply from my teaching days and something I will always live by is that positive attention is better than negative attention. I always say “ignore the bad, praise the good” (please note, there are some situations you should not ignore, especially if the child is in harm’s way). Children quickly learn what they can do to get our attention. They learn how we react to certain situations and they will do anything until we give them that reaction. Sometimes, this is when you have to “ignore the bad and praise the good.” Ignore your child’s behavior that gets them the negative attention and instead, show them the proper attention when they do the right thing. One morning or afternoon, try to take note on how you communicate with your children. Do you hear yourself saying “no, don’t do that” one million times? Or do you hear “good job, keep doing that” more often? Ultimately, if we want our children to behave in a certain manner, we have to catch our kids in the act and give them praise for it. It can be as simple as changing your words from, “no, don’t hit your brother” to “please keep your hands to yourself.” I had to remind myself about this on about week five of being in quarantine. I had been yelling at my boys for a few days about not hitting each other or not taking each other’s toys. As I found myself saying “no” frequently, it started bothering me and I realized I was exhausting myself for no reason. Having slipped into this negative response pattern, my children kept acting out more. They would hit, I would yell, and we would continue that pattern. They were getting my attention negatively.
The next day, I immediately started to become aware of my speaking habits toward the boys. I started teaching them what they should do in the actual moment, instead of me just saying no. “You can ask your brother for a toy, we don’t hit for a toy.” As soon as I changed the way I was speaking to my children, positive rather than negative comments, I saw an improvement in their behavior. The boys started asking each other for a toy and hitting has become minimal! They are learning what to do instead of reacting out of a certain emotion or habit. It’s always great to try and identify the emotion for your young children and let them know how they can handle it appropriately.
Another thing that I found helpful using in both the classroom and as a parent is identifying what your child’s “currency.” Your child’s currency is what motivates them and what gives you a little extra connection with them. For a while, I felt like I was bribing my child but once I heard the term “currency” I knew I had the right idea in mind. What actually needed to change were my thoughts about this particular method. The reality is we all like to work for recognition. Adults work for a paycheck so why can’t children feel that same token of appreciation? It is going to look different for every child; some children love a simple high-five while others love alone time with a parent. Some littles may appreciate a sticker, TV time, a small toy, a food item, reading a book, etc. Take time to find what your child loves and then you will be able to help motivate them through some of those really difficult moments. This is something you can easily apply where necessary in your home (ie: doing chores, homework, a simple task clean-up task, etc). What is something challenging that you dread doing with your kids? Can you start using their currency here and there to give them a little positive boost instead of the inevitable tantrum or meltdown? Can you build a little connection with your child that shows them you really are watching and know them? I encourage you to ask yourselves some of these questions and see where you can apply the currency method in your day to day life.
Lastly, during a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) meeting, we had a speaker who taught us something that I believe is a great reminder to hear during this time of quarantine. As a human on this earth, child or adult, there are seven things our heart and wellbeing needs. The seven needs are: love, trust, safety, fulfillment, being heard, being valued and feeling supported. Remember, even if you are with your child 24/7 now, it is important to consistently show your children love and affection daily. If trust is broken between you and your children, you need to try and mend it or show that you can be sorry - parents make mistakes too! We are all in our safe zones now, our homes. Continue to make sure your home is their safe place, a place where they can always expect stability and security. You can help your children feel fulfilled by showing them they are acknowledged and appreciated as a member of the family. All children need to be heard at times (sometimes REALLY loudly). Remember it’s okay to slow down and just listen instead of rushing to fix a problem in the moment. Children cry out to be valued and so find something that you value in your child and make sure to share it with them. Finally, make sure your little feels supported in all that they do. It is important to embrace what your child finds interesting and let them know what they like matters.
At the end of the day, when your kids are in their beds asleep, ask yourself if you think your kids felt like their needs were met. We get caught up in so many roles that we can lose sight of our most important role, being a present parent. We may think at the end of the day we didn’t do enough or that there was too much to do but I believe that if we can fulfill these seven essential needs to the best of our ability on a daily basis that we have done enough as a parent.
I hope some of the thoughts I have shared with you can be helpful in your own home. No matter how much longer we have before we feel “normal” again, this time at home will be worth it.
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